GG101

While still looking at rooms and roommates, Ally told me she met one who was really into Gilmore Girls and "cheesy shit like that," but in a different way than how Jocelyn and the Burkes and I like all that cheesy shit. Somehow our liking it is okay. I'm fine with this approval.

And that said, I'm pretty public about my love of the other GG: Gossip Girl. I told a friend of mine he should give it a try since roughly 4 out of 5 of his closest female friends really like it. Well, he only gave the show 5 minutes last week because he didn't have one of us by his side to explain all the complexities. I think he should give it another chance because he likes having common ground with us, and also enjoys gossip, young girls and MILFs alike, and NY.

So I wrote him this character guide, and since I spent so much (not that much) time on it, I'm making it a post because I don't really feel like writing anything else today and perhaps these steamy sketches (in addition to the steamy posters around town) will make other readers and friends turn into GG viewers.

Here is a character list to help you understand the incestuous web in which these naughty Upper East Side teens have tangled themselves... Oh, and the less fortunate characters live in modest Williamsburg lofts.

Gossip Girl: We don't know who she is. We only know that she knows everything, and as soon as she gets the latest, she blogs about it and everyone in the school has a feed for this blog on their Bberrys. Oddly, I don't think anyone on the show has an IPhone. GG is very fond of the send-off "xoxo" and lives by the motto "you're nobody until you're talked about." Her identity will probably be revealed in a dramatic series finale in which at least two characters will die. GG will likely be someone we have known all along. This series finale will either take place when 1) Blake Lively accepts a contract to model for a comeback shoe (a la Mischa Barton and Ked's) or 2) when a "Melrose Place" or "Moesha" reunion show seems more profitable to the CW than "GG." In literary terms, GG is what we call the "narrator."

Serena "S" Van Der Woodsen: S is what child psychologists would call the Queen Bee. The rest of us, depending on which side you stand, will call her either an idol, an inspiration, a goddess, or a whore, a bitch, a slut, things of that nature. S disappeared from the scene their sophomore year of high school. Rumors flying out of GG's blog suggested she was away at rehab (little too much champagne in the hot tub??... or worse?!), but when she returns, marking the show's start, we find out she was at boarding school for a year, getting away from it all and totally transforming into an understanding, compassionate, level-headed lady. We learn through flashbacks throughout season 1 that she did, however, leave for boarding school on a high (pun!) note: sleeping with her "best friend" B's boyfriend at a wedding, getting trashed at various galas and on holidays, and, a bomb, not dropped til the end of season 1, leaving her and her friend's coke dealer to DIE. In season 1, though, S dates reject Dan "Lonely Boy" Humphrey. He's a reject because he lives in Williamsburg and listens to indie rock. Funny, because everywhere else, that's what they call a hipster.

Blair "B" Woldorff: B, unlike S, is a non-reformed bitch, but she was a virgin until about the end of her junior year and doesn't party as much as S, so she's allowed to be Ms. Judgmental. B dated Nate for years, saw herself marrying him, broke up with him when she found out he slept with S at the wedding, got back together briefly (I think), but then lost her virginity to his best friend Chuck Bass on her birthday. She is now dating a British Lord whose stepmom is boning her ex-bf Nate.

Dan "Lonely Boy" Humphrey: Dan is a hipster. Dan is a super hottie, like most TV nerds turned studs. The East Coast Seth Cohen if that provides any reference point. He also has a hot Dad named Rufus who was previously involved with S's mom Lily (I like her for reasons obvious and not). Dan also has a sister named Jenny. Dan wants to be a writer. His story that he just can't seem to finish is about his seemingly unrequited crush on S that eventually became a true romance. Or something.

Jenny: Dan's sister. She was just a freshman in season 1, and to make up for the lame points attached to her zip code, she becomes the little bitchchild of B and lets her clique boss her around. This leads to lots of drama throughout the season. But she annoys me and isn't nearly as cool as the men in her family, so I'm not gonna say much more.

Nate Archibald: He's not much more than a pretty face. He's likable though, besides the sleeping with his gf's bff at that wedding, but who can blame him? S > B. His dad is in jail for drugs or fraud or something. They don't have much money these days. He's boning a duchess though (as mentioned above) who happens to be the mom of his ex-gf's new bf.

Chuck Bass: He's skeezy, but we kind of like him. He tried to put it in little J at her first big high school party, but big bro Dan and S (on their first date) saved her. As mentioned above, he and B had sex on her birthday. He's now in love with her. But, he stood her up at the airport at the beginning of the summer and spent his vacation in the Hamptons instead, still in love, but distracting himself with non-English speaking slutfaces. He recently gave his friend Nate's mom a giant loan, thinking a "philanthropic" move would make B take him back. We'll see.

Rufus: Dad of Jenny and Dan. In a band. Owns a gallery-recently-turned cafe. Shaky, complicated relationship with ex wife and with ex gf Lily, mom of S. He spent the summer touring with his band. We saw them play once at the end of season 1 when they opened for Luscious Jackson. Can you believe it!?!

Lily: She's the token MILF. Well, MYLF, I should say. She had a wild era like her daughter S. In that time, she dated Rufus. Cuz wild girls only date rock star dudes who open for Luscious Jackson, duh. She is now engaged (or wait, maybe married) to Chuck Bass's dad because he has better social standing than Rufus. This makes Chuck and S siblings, which is awkward because Chuck tried, forcefully, to sleep with S in the kitchen of the Plaza, which he owns, during her first week back. She refused. It would be equally awkward though I suppose if Lily got back with Rufus because then S and Dan would be siblings.

Vanessa: Vanessa is Dan's hot female best friend. She's in love with him, but can't compare to S, so she got involved with Nate somewhere in between the B fiasco and the Duchess. Vanessa spent the summer turning Rufus's aforementioned gallery into a cafe. She seems to still be into Nate. And Dan.


"You know you love me"
"xoxo"
LG